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An Extra-Jaded Look At Recent Steam Games, June 16th, 2014 Edition

Listen, Internet, I've been trying to do you a solid here with these "Jaded Looks At Recent Steam Games" features, but I've sort of got enough on my plate with my constant and pointless rerolling while playing WildStar, and this feature hasn't done a lot for my traffic anyway.
Still, I did sort of promise I would get one of these done.   So, without further ado, I give you:

An Extra-Jaded Look At Recent Steam Games, June 16th, 2014 Edition

What's so "extra-jaded" about it?  Well, I've only got two really easy tiers for you this time, and wow, will this ever be terse.

Tier 1: Games That I Might Actually Want To Play

  • Xenonauts - Indy-developed XCOM clone, I hear it's a cut above most XCOM clones... which is good, because most XCOM clones suck eggs.
  • Farm For Your Life - It's like Harvest Moon, but you also run a restaurant and defend your farm from vegetarian zombies.  Some people complain it's not just Harvest Moon.  Stop complaining and go get Harvest Moon, you dweebs.
  • Space Run - This game looks pretty great.  You've got a spaceship chassis that you can stick components on in order to run a gauntlet through dangerous sectors and deliver cargo.  This is the kind of game I'd build if I wasn't such a flake, though I'd probably do something a bit more complicated than this hexagonal component placing grid method of starship construction.
  • Dungeon Of Elements - A lot of games try mixing puzzle games with roleplaying games in hopes of finding the paydirt that Puzzle Quest did, but most fail.  This one may have succeeded.

Tier 2: The Rest

  • Stick RPG 2: Director's Cut - If you are willing to pay $20 for a web browser game with stick figure graphics, you've probably got a stick figure brain.
  • A Wizard's Lizard - "Hey guys, lets just re-skin Binding Of Isaac and sell that idea as our own."  Looks technically competent enough, I guess.
  • Faery: Legend Of Avalon - It's like Final Fantasy if Final Fantasy was based on ugly European folklore.
  • Derrick the Deathfin - Somebody thought 2D platformers could be redeemed by making them about underwater papercraft critters.
  • Rhythm Destruction - Another arcade game that uses rhythm mechanics, what won't they think of next?
  • The Entente Gold - If this 11 year old World War II game went back another 55 years, it would actually be World War II.
  • Bloodbath - If that title sounds genuinely enticing to you, then maybe you deserve this over-the-top 3D pit brawling game.
  • Nightmare Tower - All the gameplay dynamics of a 1980s arcade game with 2005 graphics.
  • Qvadriga - This chariot racing game looks so slow paced that an ancient Roman would feel comfortable playing it.
  • Crystals Of Time - The only thing that cannot be arbitrarily hidden in a hidden object game is my contempt.
  • Storm Of The Pacific - Another hexagonal World War II strategy game.
  • Battle Group 2 - Action tower defense game.
  • Zoo Park - It's like somebody took Zoo Tycoon and re-released it under a different name.
  • Viktor - Another freaking 2D platformer.
  • World Of Subways 2 - I theorize that, if you financially incentivize bad subway simulators, your punishment will be playing one for all eternity when you're put underground.
  • Probability 0 - Oh hey it's like a different take to Risk of Rain, where this time you're guiding some dude shown an ever-downward moving screen while overcoming hazards.  The title represents the probability the author anticipates you'd be into that kind of game.
  • Spintires - From what I gather, it's better than your average simulation about doing backbreaking labor, but it's still a simulation about doing backbreaking labor.  Lots of really details physics about trucks sliding on muddy roads.
  • All of the old Tex Murphy games - Great, now you can see the cheeseball original series that the recent Tex Murphy revival game was trying to extend.  Don't go expecting technical excellence or video quality better than CD-ROM fare from before the turn of the century, and you might just enjoy these.
  • Martial Arts: Capoeira - The fighters in this beat em' up have such a weird concept of fighting that I'm not sure if they're trying to beat each other up or win a limbo contest.
  • Rise Of Nations: Extended Edition - Rise Of Nations is a super duper classic real time strategy game that nobody had time to play even when it was new and there was a lot less competition out there.
  • Pro Evolution Soccer 2014 - If you're soccer fan enough to want to buy this game, it's a miracle you can pry yourself away from ESPN long enough to need a computer.
  • Ether One - "A first person adventure that deals with the fragility of the human mind."  An apt description because my mind's tolerance for being willing to buy this has already broken, so deal with it.
  • Final Slam II: Gold - A web browser-quality beat em up game, I have no idea what they're doing trying to charge $10 for this considering Street Fighter, Skullgirls, and other superior beat em ups are available on Steam for not much more than that.
  • Ichi - That is a very clean-loking puzzle game involving lines and dots.  I have no idea how it plays, but it sort of looks like it might be one of those puzzles about reflecting a laser beam from source to destination.
  • Whispered Legends: Tales Of Middleport - Pssst... (it's another hidden object game).
  • Fairy Tale Mysteries: The Puppet Thief - Collector's Edition - It's no fairy tale that it takes a puppet to buy thieving "collector's editions" of hidden object games like this.
  • Heileen 2: The Hands Of Fate - Another game in Winter Wolves's process of moving its old visual novel catalog to Steam.  Still, they deserve integrity points for accurately dating them, most of the games on the list last week were horribly misdated.
  • Crimsonland - I guess this classic old top-down shooter about surviving an endless wave of zombies has been getting steadily updated over the years.  But I wager it's still the same solid shoot em up at heart.
  • Pulstar -  These screenshots leave me unsure if I'm looking at a side scrolling shooter or if somebody forgot to close the camera aperture.
  • Spy Chameleon - RGB Agent - Looks like a mobile platform game port about sneaking a chameleon across a camera-filled room.  Looks worth its price, $5.
  • Smooth Operators - Strategy management game about running a call center in a skyscraper.  Take it from a former call center worker, this game is more fiendish than one about managing a circle of Hell.
  • Enemy Front - A CryEngine based World War 2-themed first person shooter: very pretty, very derivative.
  • Reversion - The Escape - This point and click adventure may not be the best you ever played but, considering it's free, you can at least afford to try it.
  • Echo of the Wilds - Some kind of freaky art game with old Sierra adventure game graphics.  If Al Lowe had made this back in the day, his bosses would have had him wheeled out in a straight jacket.
  • Munin - Another freaking 2D performer with a level-altering gimmick.
  • March of War - Online turn based strategy game, free to play, pay to win, you know the drill.
  • Castle: Never Judge a Book by its Cover - Well, it's a hidden object game, so it's probably terrib- oh, shoot, they knew I'd judge it by its cover from the start!  Anyway, it's based on the hit TV series, Castle, so if you like the show then this is probably a shoe-in purchase for you.
  • Shadows on the Vatican - Probably the best looking indy point and click adventure on this list, but that's not saying much unless you're in the market for a point and click adventure.
Why yes, that certainly is a long list of games I'm going to completely ignore because I'm playing WildStar right now.  Praise Lord Gaben!
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