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To Boldly Fail

I have been doing some thinking on what has been stalling me in my game development, and I believe I may have come closer to the truth than I was before.
  • It is not truly a lack of motivation because, if I were not motivated, I probably would not be bagging on so much about how much I want to do this.
  • It is not so much the effort because it does not seem to matter how simple or complicated my means of creating is, I seem to have the same hangup.
  • It has been suggested to me that I might be afraid of success.  A fair guess, but it does not ring true with me.  I think I would be alright with being successful, even if the added responsibilities might be annoying.
  • An important clue here is, when I was dabbling with BYOND, I had some pretty-close-to-finished games, and I found myself refusing to finish them.  I could see how to finish them, it would not have been a whole lot of effort, but my muse walked out in a huff and my motivation died.
  • Another important clue is how I encounter major cognitive dissonance at major decision branches.  For example, changing my mind on the type of game I want to make (e.g. real time strategy or role-playing game) because I recognize the upsides of each.
I might have figured it out at last.  To put it into words, the reason why I am having so much trouble getting into developing a game right now is because anything I do would be ruining the infinite potential of a blank slate.  A child would not have this problem, but I am hopelessly naive in my lack of naivety.
The first stroke of paint is the worst.  Not only is it ugly because it is incomplete, but that single stroke has destroyed all of the paintings that could have existed were it not for it.
You could say I am being too much of a perfectionist, but this is lacking a certain fidelity of the issue I am having.  I do not expect what I am making to be perfect, because I know that true perfection only exists in mental concept, a judgment of reality, but never reality.  No, the problem truly is that I am hesitant to commit to anything that would shut down a number of cool possibilities of what I did not do.  [Edit: Doing a bit of Googling on this, this guy gets it.]

The contemplation of those murdered possibilities is paralyzing.  I only have one life to live, how can I accept the callous sacrifice of the paths not taken?!  Of course, quibbling like this murders all the possibilities because, instead of choosing one path of thousands, I waffled, and chose none, and that is a slightly greater tragedy.

So what is the solution?  Maybe is right there in the title: I need to fail, and boldly.  In order words, I have to be okay with the idea that I am making a game that is worse than it could have been.  This is because anything will have been worse than its better possibilities, there is no escape from that.  So the solution would be to foster a certain tyranny towards the death of those ideas that got in the way.  I need to murder my darlings.  No, when I have as many ideas as I do, I need to be a serial killer of darlings.
"Murder Your Darlings" is attributed to many authors, but it is such rudimentary advice that it belongs to none.
I am not positive that is the right way to look at it.  Of all these possibilities I can fathom, only one could ever have been mine.  So all this covetous grasping after something that was never mine is simply pathetic.  If I could only master finding my true path in greater expediency, I would realize more possibilities in the little time I have available.

Well, regardless of what the true solution is, a stalled creator is a useless creator.  So, this week, I will lay upon myself this singular ultimatum: it is time to make some truly terrible games.

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